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My confession

My confession - Willi Johnson

As my health deteriorates more and more, I find it hard to keep on doing some of the things I always enjoyed. For example, I found it more challenging to read a book or write a review as my brain fog wipes out my ability to express myself eloquently or remember things accurately. When I got my diagnosis, it sounded as an exotic island. Little I knew that most of my hobbies will slowly go away, one by one, because of it.

First I had to say goodbye to running. I used to do one or two marathons per years. Now I am barely capable of walking up the hill on my street without feeling exhausted and complaining about it for half an hour. When I started to have the pains migrating to my hands, painting turned into a hassle. I would force myself to paint in order to forget about the pain, but would only aggravate it. Eventually I stopped.

Once the brain fog settled in, I realized I am spending a lot more time reading a page than usual. As for writing, oh, boy! Let’s just say that I need to use the spelling corrector on, at all times. You can’t understand what a chronic illness does to one’s body and mind until you actually have it.

If one would have told me that one day I would have to give up all my hobbies, I would have called him crazy. Now, they seem to be distant memories of the person I used to be. I guess I can say it without exaggerating that it is worse than old age.

Yesterday was better, today is worse than yesterday. Tomorrow, I don’t dare to think about it. Each morning brings new challenges, new pains. It took me a while to understand that fighting it was only a colossal waste of energy. I can’t fight my illness, I can’t cure it. All I have left is to embrace it and find a way to live with it without degrading my health even more. Every single drop of energy is important and needs to be preserved if possible.

Needless to add that I gave up caring for gossips and anything non-illness related. My whole universe changed completely since I got sick. Now everything revolved around my life, my health and my family, not necessarily in this order. They are intertwined.

I lost a lot of friends on the way for one reason or another. It was hard to explain to everyone was I going through. I had to stop going to the fitness center Mississauga as well.


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